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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in reneevashtinova's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, May 24th, 2005
3:12 pm

I'm deleteing this soon.. so, Bye I guess

Current Mood: blah
Monday, March 21st, 2005
11:28 pm
Sketchy facts in the Schiavo's case

there are foggy issues surrounding Schiavo's case. First, no one is absolutely positive what caused Teri's condition. It's speculated it was an eating disorder. They really don't have proof. Then, Teri got into therapy and she was really getting well. She honestly had all the potential to become the way she was before, or very close. Then her husband suddenly with drew all the therapy and medical care. then removed the tube, she did get it reinstated but she became even worst because she had gone so long with out the feeding tube... so.. why? why did he with draw the treatment? Now he wants to pull the tube again. He also all ready has a relationship with another woman, also children with her. He states this is difficult.. etc. Then why does he not just divorce her and let her parents care for her? They have the means, he doesn’t.

       However, one of the most interesting thoughts by far is, after Teri's death Michael wants NO autopsy to find out what caused the damage, etc, and he wants her IMEDIATLY cremated... So, the facts, as they are.. We don't know the exact reason why Teri became in the state she was in.. However, she begins getting help and doing well.. So Michael immediately stops the therapy. She declines, then Michael tries to pull the tube. It's reinstated, however, further damage has been done. Now, currently, he tries again, and wants immediate cremation. He doesn’t want the closer of knowing what happened to Teri.. okay.. the facts, as they are, make this case sound very sketchy. In fact, they make the hair stand up on the back of my neck. It sounds as if Michael is the direct reason why Teri is how she is and he doesn’t want any one to know. This isn't just about letting a woman die.. It's about justice and this does sound awful sketchy... almost eerie

        and yet another thing I don't quite understand, if Teri is brain dead then how come she can laugh and show emotion, and kiss her parents? I don't understand.

       I do, however, would like for justive to be served.. Frankly.. this case is difficult. Some M.D.'s say she's brain dead, other's say she isn't.. If she is alive and alert in there, I pray that some how she gets the feeding tube back.. However, if she's just not there any more.. it's really time for her soul "to go home." I'll be praying especially this Easter season for what is right.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Friday, March 18th, 2005
3:17 pm
Save Schiavo!

Save  Schiavo! Does any one have any idea if there is any Schiavo protestors in Oregon? This is some thing I would like to protest. It's just sick


Current Mood: appauled
Tuesday, March 15th, 2005
11:30 pm
I wish
No one did any thing for me on my birthday.. I feel like I never had one...

Current Mood: depressed
Tuesday, March 1st, 2005
11:20 pm
It's my birthday.. and nothing was really different...

Current Mood: lonely
Monday, February 28th, 2005
12:28 pm
My 21st

Dear journal,

     Tomorrow's my birthday. I'll be 21.  honestly I haven't been excited for a b-day in a long time.. I don't rememver the last time some one besides a family member remembered my birthday let alone due something really nice for me. I haven't had a party for years, and I mean, one that people actually showed up. It's painfully embarressing, but my 19th, no one came to. I was so suicidal that day. I had the feeling no one would show up. It was a horrible day. It felt like no one cared that I was born. That's why I didn't throw a 20th b-day party. I was so afraid to face that again.  I just hope some one does something really nice for me this year. I want that so badly. I always care so much. I wish some one would for me.

           I feel it's my 21st and I need to throw a party. I have no plans in mind as of yet. however, I'd like for it to be the weekend of the 18th-19th. I'm some what strapped for cash. I'd rather not have it at home. It bothes me. My mother dosen't want alchahol present. However, I would rather not go somewhere and have every one driving home drunk. I'd rather have it here so I can play bartender/bouncer and limit people's drinks and stop them from driving home if they've had too much.  I was thinking of going to the olive garden. It's a classy place. I've always loved it. Also, there is this classy mediteranian place down town I've had my eye on. Perhaps this Saterday I should scope out Portland and see what this lovely city has to offer. Of coarse you know, if the weather was warmer I'd rent a day site at lost lake so we could have swimming and a BBQ.  Perhaps even a camp site. That would totally rock. Gotta love a night under the stars.

      So, yes, I have planning to do. If ya'll have some suggestions I'd apricate it!

Current Mood: hopeful
Saturday, February 26th, 2005
1:28 am
Oh how I wish
I'm still sick. It's getting to the point where it's very hard to talk... I feel depressed. I need to get bettr so I can get out and exercise.. I haven't felt so modivated lately because I want affection so badly. It's so hard not to reach out and just grab certain people... I believe that's what happened with Adam.. Not to say it was my fault. When I saw he felt comfortable holding me I wanted it all the time. I'm like that.. I never get affection.. It makes me feel sad, unloved... I just hope I can find a guy friend who dosen't mind hugging me, who dosen't mind cuddling.. I feel so insecure in my self from the lack of attention and love.. I wonder if any one cares.. I wish some one would..

Current Mood: lonely
Friday, February 25th, 2005
11:44 am

I miss Adam.. I haven't seen him in over a week.. but it feels like I haven't seen him in a month.. He dosen't feel comfortable hugging me any more... It's like he pushes me away. We used to be very affectionate.. It hurts knowing he dosen't want to be close to me.. that it dosen't make him comfortable.. supposivly that's not what friends do... He was the only one I really got affection from... I'm crying as I write this because I feel as though no one understands.. That I'll never get the things I need... I loved Adam so... I feel like I've lost him.. It hurts so badly... Some how it dosen't seem fair... I don't understand... perhaps I don't deserve it... I don't know.. I feel so lonely..

Current Mood: hurt
Sunday, February 20th, 2005
11:24 pm
love tribe

some one introduced me to this group.. I want to go to the thing on the 26th. I need affection so badly.. I hope I know where this place is. I've been lonely this weekend and I really want some kind of affection. I just pray I can make it some how. I don't get enough hugs.. may be I can find a cuddle buddy.


Current Mood: cold
1:39 am
Hold me now

I wrote this a while ago, but I still feel it from time to time.. like resently.


This room is full of people

this city’s full of crowds

Yet some how I’m so lonely

my heart is broken still

and they pass me by and smile

they wave and say hello

can’t they see my soul is bleeding

can’t they see my spirts breaking?

My room is dark an lonely

as I crawl beneath my covers

The night engulfs my body

as I close my eyes so tight

the stillness is terror

the quiet spears my heart

is any body out there... I wonder

as I begin to fall apart

I wish that I wasn’t lonely..

I wish that some one cared

I wish some one would hold me...

I wish... oh I wish..

I imagine strong arms around me

I dream of warmth and joy..

How I long for some one to love me

and take this loneliness away

Yet I know that night is coming

without some one to hold

I know that dark is closing in

I feel the hot tears role down my cheeks

I know my strength has faltered

my pride is breaking down

and I feel so lost... so hurt... so fragile..

Will someone love me now?

Current Mood: thoughtful
Saturday, February 19th, 2005
10:54 pm
Who's line is it any way?!
Who's line KICKS ASS! I'm getting over my depression thanks to it. I've been laughing my ass off. It's gotta be one of the funniest shows on TV. I  love humor, but very few shows can make me laugh so hard. Thank God for Comedy! Good comedy mind you. I love it!

Current Mood: laughing my ass off!!!
9:55 pm
Your Brain is 26.67% Female, 73.33% Male
You have a total boy brain Logical and detailed, you tend to look at the facts And while your emotions do sway you sometimes... You never like to get feelings too involved
This is very true. I think like a guy.

Current Mood: amused
9:16 pm
I need!!!!

I need oral sex badly! Oral sex and foreplay! now!

Current Mood: horny
6:14 pm
I just took a long hot bath.. that's what I do when I need to cry... I'm so lonely...it hurts so badly.. There is alchohol in the fridge. I've considered getting drunk.. but it's so stupid.. why? It dosen't help me... I feel like such a fool, journaling about this pain and hoping some one cares... I just wish some one would... I wish I didn't have to be alone... I wish... I wish something could take this pain away.... I'm so depressed.... I don't remember the last time I felt like this... It hurts so bad I just want to sleep so I don't have to feel it..... I'm just so tired of this.... I'm so lonely

Current Mood: lonely
2:57 pm
are there any guys that live in Portland that the whold affection thing dosen't bother? I need a cuddle partner/friend and I thought I had one.. supposivly he's lost interest.. :( I was wondering if there was any guys out there that feel the same?

Current Mood: lonely
1:23 pm
The Light

Darkness swallowed light

On that bright morning

Prisms of day that grasped my

Finger tips

Melted into nothing

That humid black hell

They call despair

It chews away at hope

It swallows love

That divine emotion

I never knew…


Despair engulfs my

Very soul

It sinks into my heart

It burns with in my presence

It bursts through my green emeralds

As the fire strikes at my face

Forming that hot liquid that

Burns on my cheeks

My delicate hands

Fight madly to cure

The ache

The pain that dances

On my olive skin


My soul with draws

Sinking into a corner

My face in my hands

The darkness so close

It dwells with in me

As the light with draws

So far

I can not see it

I do not know it


The tears rip down my cheeks

As I lay my head on my knees

That burning hell I have surrendered


For now I am the darkness

I do not know the light

Current Mood: lonely
12:13 pm
I feel so lonely... I can feel my eyes pooling with tears as a write this... There is only one person I really want to be with.. but I know he dosen't want to be with me... I'm all alone..... I wish one person in this world loved me like I love... I don't understand.. I just don't.... I need to go cry... I just want to be held...

Current Mood: lonely
11:05 am
Women's depression study

I all ready knew this, but seeing it in print with a study connected to it makes me feel better.


Current Mood: thoughtful
Friday, February 18th, 2005
3:02 pm
Shalom, Shalom, oh Syria

I know very well that Syria could very possibly be harboring terrorists. I know they're out of line, but It's my country, damn it, and I don't want his reform, and I don't want him bombing the hell out of Syria, and yet, what is suppose to be done? What they most likely did was terrible, horrible... I have more Syrian relatives, but I have Lebonese ones as well.  What is right? What is justice? Shalom, Shalom, to the Middle East I pray. Allah let there be justice.

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Updated: 01:24 AM EST
Bush Criticizes Syria, Iran As Unstable
Assassination in Lebanon Puts Pressure on Damascus



Former Lebanese Prime Minister Rafiq Hariri was buried Wednesday in Beirut. Details

· Syrians Reject Criticism
· Graphic: Hariri Bio, Timeline

Talk About It: Post | Chat

WASHINGTON (Feb. 18) - President Bush criticized Syria and Iran on Thursday as destabilizing forces in the Middle East but stopped short of threatening new U.S. action against either. Expressing sympathy with Israeli worries about a nuclear-armed Iran, the president said America would protect its ally.

Bush said Syria was "out of step'' with progress being made in the Mideast. The president cited the 15,000 troops that Syria has in Lebanon and accused Syria of harboring terrorist groups and assisting Iraqi insurgents.

He did not assert involvement by Syria, as many suspect, in the assassination this week of a former Lebanese prime minister, Rafik Hariri.

"I'm going to withhold judgment until we find out what the facts are,'' Bush said at a news conference where he announced the appointment of John Negroponte, the U.S. ambassador to Iraq, as director of national intelligence.

Going over one global hot spot after another, the president repeatedly chose the language of negotiation over intimidation.

He did say that "some of the behavior in the Middle East is unacceptable'' - a reference to Iran's alleged pursuit of nuclear weapons and support by Iran and Syria of terrorist organizations. But Bush emphasized diplomatic solutions. "There's a lot of progress that can be made,'' he said.

Bush dodged several questions about potential new penalties against Syria. "The idea is to continue to work with the world to remind Syria it's not in their interest to be isolated,'' he said.

His approach contrasted sharply with that recommended by a bipartisan group of 11 senators, who urged Bush to expand on trade penalties and to "take strong action'' against Syria. "Neither the U.S. nor our allies can afford to let Syria off the hook,'' the lawmakers said in a letter Thursday.

Bush reaffirmed that Iran is not now in danger of a U.S. attack, despite the administration's belief that Tehran is developing nuclear weapons; Iran denies that charge. "There's more diplomacy, in my judgment, to be done,'' the president said.

Asked about his level of concern that Israel might attack Iran to prevent its Tehran from acquiring nuclear arms, Bush responded with an assurance to Israel of U.S. protection.

"If I was the leader of Israel and I'd listened to some of the statements by the Iranian ayatollahs that regarded the security of my country, I'd be concerned about Iran having a nuclear weapon as well,'' he said. "We will support Israel if her security is threatened.''

Turning to North Korea and its nuclear weapons program, Bush said diplomacy involving countries in the region is the right strategy. "Now is the time for us to work with friends and allies who have agreed to be part of the process to determine what we're jointly going to do about it,'' he said.

On his chief domestic priority, Bush said Congress must act immediately to prevent Social Security from going bankrupt in several decades. "The longer we wait, the more difficult the solution becomes,'' he said.

As part of any overhaul, Bush wants to see workers younger than 55 have the chance to divert part of their Social Security taxes into private investment accounts. He is facing resistance from most Democrats and even some Republicans.

"We look forward to working with Congress to come up with ways to make sure that the personal accounts, if Congress so chooses, and I hope they do, can be financed,'' he said.

The president, in the 30-minute session with reporters, also previewed his trip next week to Europe. He said he would use the meetings to discuss Syria, Iraq, and Iran. But he declined to support the European tactic of offering Iran technological, financial and political support in return for its scrapping of its uranium enrichment program.

He offered an overture to allies, promising to try to rebuild trans-Atlantic trust damaged by the war in Iraq by also focusing during his travels on topics of importance to Europeans, including global hunger, disease and climate change.

"Differences, at times, frankly, caused us to talk past each other,'' Bush said. "I want to make sure the Europeans understand I know that, and that as we move beyond the differences of the past, that we can work a lot together to achieve big objectives.''

The news conference was dominated by talk of the administration's stance toward Syria in the wake of the bombing Monday in Beirut that killed Hariri and 16 others.

The United States withdrew its ambassador from Damascus after the bombing, and Bush said curtly: "The relationship is not moving forward.''

The president endorsed an international investigation into the assassination and said he hoped it soon would identify those responsible.

In Damascus, officials with the Syrian foreign and information ministries could not be reached for comment Thursday evening. A Syrian legislator, Suleiman Haddad, said Bush's charges against Syria are unfounded.

"We know and Bush deep down knows that Syria has nothing to do with'' all these accusations, he said.

02/18/05 00:28 EST

Copyright 2005 The Associated Press. The information contained in the AP news report may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or otherwise distributed without the prior written authority of The Associated Press. All active hyperlinks have been inserted by AOL.


Current Mood: restless
12:32 pm
Who I am
I have to make this clear before guys want to be my friend, if at all. I'm a very affectionate, loving, caring, person.. I've lost friends because of it. I don't want to loose any more. So, if you want to be my friend, it's just part of who I am. I hope there is some one out there that feels the same.

Current Mood: lonely
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